Open Letter to a Pen Thief
On Law & Order the first suspect in any murder is usually a relative, spouse or close friend. The reasoning being – access. It stands to reason whoever has the most access to the vic – cause I totally watch a lot of cop shows – has the most opportunities to do them harm. Occam meet razor.
Maybe you didn’t mean to borrow my Foray Ballpoint Fashion Pen – really at this point your intent is of no interest to me – but I want it back.
This was a tap-dance-in-aisles find during an August 2009 trip to Williamsburg, Virginia for my older brother’s wedding. The wedding was lovely – lots of good food and family time – and this pen is part of those wonderful memories, despite not being purchased until long after the newlyweds left the hall on their way to Vegas.
And they’ve all been cleared. The family, the partner and the close friends. They have no motive or opportunity, since many were not aware of the pen’s existence or its importance to me.
So that leaves you, salesclerk at Albany box bookstore. Mr. Colonie Barnes & Noble bookseller, if I can be so specific. You were the last person seen in the company of this pen. I don’t need Anthony LaPaglia or Marianne Jean-Baptiste rocking convincing New York accents to draw this conclusion.
I’ll admit I blew it when I didn’t begin my investigation immediately upon realizing the pen had gone ghost. You’re right. I didn’t lean on you when I had that feeling the pen had gone bye bye and instead walked to my car. I didn’t check my purse or pat down my bra – a good starting place for many cherished items. I just drove home.
In my defense, I was hungry. I wanted salty chicken from the Long John Silver up the street from your store. And it was delicious, though ultimately not worth the tragic loss of my brushed metal pen.
The pen has an impressive presence, a feature you yourself observed, and which clearly prompted your desire not to return it when upon realizing I was far too distracted stuffing my purchases – a deeply discounted planner and two tiny squares of Godiva chocolate – into my bag.
You like the pen’s snazzy weighty, but not too weighty barrel and variety of replacement cartridges it can take. You probably also took note of the cap, which often does not stay secured to the unit while the pen is in motion. A minor quibble, to be sure, but a quibble nonetheless.
I have no idea if you find my choice of ink cartridge – blue black gel ink – good or bad. I have no idea if you find the pen fatiguing with long term use. I bet you did realize it’s the perfect pen for someone who has a lot of writing stops and starts, which is probably why you stole the damn thing in the first place.
Okay, at this point, you’ve had enough good cop/bad cop and are probably about to lawyer up. I’ve got nothing but circumstantial evidence and lots of righteous indignation. Neither of which would stand up in Judge Joe Brown’s court, which is the most likely venue for this case.
But I am patient. Very patient. And I will be in your store one day and trust me, I will have no problem “borrowing” my pen right the fuck back.