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Open Letter to a Pen Thief

01/19/2010

Foray Fashion Ballpoint Pen in better times.

On Law & Order the first suspect in any murder is usually a relative, spouse or close friend. The reasoning being – access. It stands to reason whoever has the most access to the vic – cause I totally watch a lot of cop shows – has the most opportunities to do them harm. Occam meet razor.

Maybe you didn’t mean to borrow my Foray Ballpoint Fashion Pen – really at this point your intent is of no interest to me – but I want it back.

This was a tap-dance-in-aisles find during an August 2009 trip to Williamsburg, Virginia for my older brother’s wedding. The wedding was lovely – lots of good food and family time – and this pen is part of those wonderful memories, despite not being purchased until long after the newlyweds left the hall on their way to Vegas.

And they’ve all been cleared. The family, the partner and the close friends. They have no motive or opportunity, since many were not aware of the pen’s existence or its importance to me.

So that leaves you, salesclerk at Albany box bookstore. Mr. Colonie Barnes & Noble bookseller, if I can be so specific. You were the last person seen in the company of this pen. I don’t need Anthony LaPaglia or Marianne Jean-Baptiste rocking convincing New York accents to draw this conclusion.

I’ll admit I blew it when I didn’t begin my investigation immediately upon realizing the pen had gone ghost. You’re right. I didn’t lean on you when I had that feeling the pen had gone bye bye and instead walked to my car. I didn’t check my purse or pat down my bra – a good starting place for many cherished items. I just drove home.

In my defense, I was hungry. I wanted salty chicken from the Long John Silver up the street from your store. And it was delicious, though ultimately not worth the tragic loss of my brushed metal pen.

The pen has an impressive presence, a feature you yourself observed, and which clearly prompted your desire not to return it when upon realizing I was far too distracted stuffing my purchases – a deeply discounted planner and two tiny squares of Godiva chocolate – into my bag.

You like the pen’s snazzy weighty, but not too weighty barrel and variety of replacement cartridges it can take. You probably also took note of the cap, which often does not stay secured to the unit while the pen is in motion. A minor quibble, to be sure, but a quibble nonetheless.

I have no idea if you find my choice of ink cartridge – blue black gel ink – good or bad. I have no idea if you find the pen fatiguing with long term use. I bet you did realize it’s the perfect pen for someone who has a lot of writing stops and starts, which is probably why you stole the damn thing in the first place.

Okay, at this point, you’ve had enough good cop/bad cop and are probably about to lawyer up. I’ve got nothing but circumstantial evidence and lots of righteous indignation. Neither of which would stand up in Judge Joe Brown’s court, which is the most likely venue for this case.

But I am patient. Very patient. And I will be in your store one day and trust me, I will have no problem “borrowing” my pen right the fuck back.

Sincerely,

Snarky’s Machine.

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23 Comments leave one →
  1. 01/19/2010 1:34 pm

    Alan Shore probably has lots of free time now, and he’s great at winning hopeless cases.

  2. 01/19/2010 4:40 pm

    This seems like the portion of a medical drama where the normally selfish medical staff come at you with AOL sad face and say, “I’m sorry, we did everything we could do.”

  3. Tash permalink
    01/21/2010 6:47 pm

    You need Monk on the case or Jessica Fletcher. The real culprit might surprise you.

  4. Mike permalink
    01/21/2010 6:53 pm

    This post was really funny. I guess you really do watch a lot of cop shows. You certainly have the lingo down.

  5. Pollo con queso permalink
    01/22/2010 7:51 am

    I hope TV cops catch this perp before you do, DTPW! Fantastic and hilarious!

  6. aliciamaud74 permalink
    01/22/2010 4:45 pm

    Snarky, I live about 5 minutes from there if you need me to go over and put on some pressure.

  7. Jules permalink
    01/23/2010 7:29 pm

    this was so funny. consider this blog bookmarked.

  8. Libby permalink
    01/23/2010 7:30 pm

    Ha. I found a pen similar to this one in the junk drawer at work. I’m going to start useing it.

  9. Pen hunter permalink
    01/23/2010 7:33 pm

    Late to the party, but I just wanted to say this was such a great post. Very funny. Found you through the pen addict.

  10. Binky permalink
    01/23/2010 7:33 pm

    Funny.

  11. Craftygrrrl permalink
    01/23/2010 7:50 pm

    Okay, at this point, you’ve had enough good cop/bad cop and are probably about to lawyer up. I’ve got nothing but circumstantial evidence and lots of righteous indignation. Neither of which would stand up in Judge Joe Brown’s court, which is the most likely venue for this case.

    Brilliant! ::cheers:: Bravo, DTPW

  12. Say Yes permalink
    01/24/2010 3:13 am

    I’ll admit I blew it when I didn’t begin my investigation immediately upon realizing the pen had gone ghost. You’re right. I didn’t lean on you when I had that feeling the pen had gone bye bye and instead walked to my car. I didn’t check my purse or pat down my bra – a good starting place for many cherished items. I just drove home.

    I just spit diet coke all over my keyboard. This was so hysterical.

  13. Jamie permalink
    01/24/2010 3:24 am

    I love this so much. Your writing style is firece.

  14. Jamie permalink
    01/24/2010 3:24 am

    stabby over typo in previous comment.

  15. Willa permalink
    01/24/2010 3:26 am

    Hi Snarky’s Machine. I found this through your blog through your main blog and it’s totally adorable. I admire your passion for office supplies and I’m totally going to try out some of the products you mentioned.

  16. Kayla permalink
    01/24/2010 3:27 am

    “In my defense, I was hungry. I wanted salty chicken from the Long John Silver up the street from your store. And it was delicious, though ultimately not worth the tragic loss of my brushed metal pen.”

    Girl, you are too much!

  17. Tia permalink
    01/24/2010 3:28 am

    I have to battle pen thieves all the time at my work. I am a marketing specialist – yes it even more pathetic than ti sounds – and people are always stealing my pens. Totally drives batshit.

  18. 01/24/2010 6:22 am

    Thanks to all of you who commented with kind words. Glad you stopped by. Come again.

  19. ccorrada permalink
    01/24/2010 12:37 pm

    🙂 thanks! totally made my day! I’ve lost a couple of (good) pens lately- from a trip to Kinokuniya in NYC, no less- and I had to stop myself before going office by office and purse after purse. I know there is medicine for this.

  20. Crissy permalink
    01/25/2010 5:55 am

    There is a known and caught in the act pen theif in my office that pisses me off. She took my favorite Pilot and when confronted brought it back with the cap all chewed up.

    This entry made me smile. I’m printing it out and posting in my office.

  21. Popi permalink
    01/25/2010 5:57 am

    This is too funny. I swear I rant about pen theives more than real thiefs. A friend showed me this blog when I kept asking her why she was laughing so much.

    So funny.

Trackbacks

  1. In Case You Missed It #1 « Does This Pen Write?
  2. What I’ve Learned (so far) From Blogging « Snarky's Machine

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