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Throwback Thursday

04/18/2013

041

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New Frontiers in Ikea Assembly

“Unless I want to feel badly about myself I avoid perusing the directions accompanying any Ikea product. Instead preferring to view the product fully assembled in the showroom and commit its perfect assembly to memory, which I then refer to as I’m putting the scraps of particleboard I’ve been convinced will magically transform themselves into attractive storage and seating solutions. And frankly, I find Ikea instructions a tad judgey and shaming. Mostly because I can often be observed engaged in the behaviors the instructions have marked through with X’s”

5 Shelter Blog Cliches

“I spend a lot of time browsing shelter blogs while sipping hateraid in a tacky plastic tumbler. You know the kind I’m talking about: stackable, cheesy and usually 4/$1. Perhaps being more craft aspirational than crafty has made me resent the well styled, impeccably edited spaces I view day after day. Or maybe I’m just tired of feeling marginalized because I don’t worship at the church of mid-century modern (because the mid-century was so great for my people).”

Koh-I-Noor Magic Pencils

“Every time I peruse the aisles of big box craft stores I encounter Koh-I-noor Hardtmuth Magic Pencils, usually housed with all the legitimate artistic pencils. Since for the most part I don’t have much use for pencils, I would pass them over, even though they looked fun and are quite cheap. But once in awhile I’d pick one up, fall in love with the weird mix of colors, then remember I’d need to score a fat sharpener, feel overwhelmed and bitter about how high maintenance the cheap pencils were and put them back.”

Crayola Glow Station on the Go

“Once the unit is all powered up, you have to find some place dark. I don’t mean Teddy Pendergrass dark; all the way dark. Thus you probably need to make your peace with your higher power as you climb into the trunk of your car or seal yourself off in a panic room or closet. Then you wait. Based on my experience with the product about two or three minutes of sitting in burnt up skillet darkness should get you there. Then you use the magical sheets and begin crafting your masterpiece. Now the product is not really designed with the ambivalent in mind; you only have a couple of minutes before your creation disappears before your eyes, which happened to me twice I as tried to neatly pen, “does this light pen write?”. And forget trying to photograph it. Between the car trunk, the darkness and disappearing drawings there’s no time to be taking snaps.”

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